The Words from My Parent Which Helped Me when I became a New Parent

"I believe I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of fatherhood.

But the reality rapidly became "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her main carer while also caring for their infant son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.

Following 11 months he burnt out. That was when a talk with his father, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple words "You're not in a good spot. You must get support. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. While people is now better used to addressing the stress on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan feels his challenges are part of a larger failure to communicate among men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing every time."

"It is not a sign of failure to seek help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental well-being is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the opportunity to take a respite - going on a few days overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's feelings in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says suppressing feelings resulted in him make "poor decisions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as an escape from the pain.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he explains. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Advice for Managing as a New Father

• Talk to someone - if you feel under pressure, tell a family member, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that made you feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include exercising, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their experiences, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - looking after yourself is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their issues, changed how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… sitting with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, sometimes I think my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering as much as you are through this experience."