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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.