Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.
